This Series will focus on marriage. I will share some of the ups and downs that my husband and I have gone through, things we have learned, and advice that we have been given that I think is beneficial for others to hear!
Not being able to have children is a struggle that many couples face. It’s a part of their lives, for better or worse. Sometimes, it drives couples apart. Other times, it brings them closer together.
At the time that I am writing this post, Nathan and I have been married for three years. We have known about my condition for a little over two of those years. We tried to deal with it ourselves before I went to see a few doctors, and we would mention it in our daily prayers. But it wasn’t until July 2019 that we decided to see a priest about it.
If you have ever gone through a big struggle in your life, you know how exhausting it can be. How draining the experience is, and how easy it can be to lose hope.
Nathan and I had been going about our lives as best we could, under the circumstances. We didn’t drift apart, as some couples would in our situation, but we did lose some of our hope. And that’s why we asked a priest friend of ours for advice.
The first time we met with him, we told him what our situation was, how it was impacting us, and then he took time to pray over us and our marriage. That alone was wonderful, and exactly what we needed at that moment. But a few days later, he gave us a list that he had created. It was a list of spiritual things to do to help us strengthen our marriage, and to prepare ourselves to one day be parents.
Here is the list that was given to us:
1. Go to Confession
He told us to go as often as we can, but to also reflect and pray about unconfessed/forgotten sins. He told us to bring them to confession with us, and to ask the priest for absolution, help or advice for those unconfessed and forgotten sins. Our goal is to go once a month at a local event called Adoremus, which also has adoration (with that Sunday’s readings, and Gregorian Chant).
2. Pray the rosary for 90 days
We pray this at different times, depending what our schedules are, but I prefer to pray it in the morning when we are driving to work together. It’s a good way to start the day.For each decade, we also try to meditate on a different woman in the bible who was once barren, but was given a child by the grace of God. We usually look as passages about Sarah, Rebecca and Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth, and then we end with Mary.
3. Seek Counselling
My condition is not an easy thing to deal with, and at times, it can be difficult on our marriage. Talking to a counsellor doesn’t mean that we are weak, or that our marriage is falling apart. It means that we are taking the necessary steps to make sure that we discuss things as best we can so that our marriage can stay healthy and strong. Our priest friend specifically told me to seek counselling. I have always wanted to be a mother, and my condition has been hard on me mentally.
4. Pray the Prayer of Abandonment
This one we didn’t do exactly as was recommended. There was a prayer that our priest friend used to say at Mass each Sunday after Communion, and we adopted that prayer into our daily prayers, instead of memorizing Bl. Charles de Foucauld’s Prayer of Abandonment. I’m hoping we can memorize it and add it to our prayers, but for now, we are saying something else:“Jesus, I love You. All I have is Yours. Yours I am, and Yours I want to be. Do with me whatever You will.”
5. Pray the Novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots
We haven’t done this one yet. We were in the middle of another novena when we were given this list, and we like praying one at a time. We were going to start it once we finished the first, but we said a different one instead. What we have done in the mean time, though, is include Our Lady Undoer of Knots to our list of personal litany of saints.
6. Spend time in Adoration
It was recommended that I spend 30 minutes a week in adoration, while Nathan and I spend one hour a month together in adoration. Our plan is to go to Adoremus for adoration each month, and I spend 30 minutes in adoration on Fridays at work (I work at a Catholic Church).
7. Focus on the transformation that happens during consecration, and ask for help and healing at that moment.
I have always struggled with these kinds of prayer suggestions. I don’t know if I’m ever doing it right, but I’m sure that God knows my intentions. During the consecration, Nathan and I hold hands. It’s a simple thing that we do, but it makes me feel closer to him; that we are in this together, and we can overcome this together. While we are participating in the consecration, I usually say a little prayer in my head, something like: “Lord, accept my suffering,” while mentally picturing myself placing my struggle before the altar.
8. Have prayer requests for every act you carry out in church, even if its work related.
What was meant by this, is that we should offer up everything we do while at church, whether it’s reading at Mass, helping with a parish event, or running my youth groups. Offer up everything we do as a form of prayer to help ourselves or those around us.
9. Offer one Mass each month for our intentions.
What better way to pray for our struggle than to offer a Mass for it! The Mass is the highlight of our faith, and where else is better to bring our prayers to Christ! Our goal is to attend each of the Masses that we will have said for us, but because they will be mostly weekdays, it can sometimes be difficult for both of us to attend them. But we will try our best!
10. Say a prayer of thanksgiving.
Our priest friend didn’t suggest a particular prayer to say, but he told us to thank God for our future children, and he gave us a couple bible passages to meditate on: Romans 4:17 and Hebrews 11:1 (Hebrews 11:1 is now one of my favourite passages, but I prefer to extend the Romans passage from verse 17 all the way to verse 22. I will talk about both of these passages in future blog posts).
11. Ask for blessing on our lives, our bodies, and everything concerning myself, and my spouse, and continue to believe God for a miracle.
Nathan and I literally just read that line as part of our prayers. Simple!
12. Pray to St. John Paul II
Our priest friend thought that it would be a good idea to pray to a saint that we had seen before, and he thought that we had both seen Pope John Paul II in person. We hadn’t, but we were both alive when he was, and he is a favourite of both of ours, so we pray to him! We also pray to Our Lady Undoer of Knots (like I said before), Our Lady of Lourdes (my favourite Marian Apparition), St. Gianna, St. Gerard, and Blessed Chiara Luce Badano.
13. Reflect on aspects of our lives that we need to work on: Patience and Trust.
There will always be things in everyone’s life that they can improve on, things that maybe they aren’t very good at yet. While praying about our situation, our priest friend told us to focus on being more patient and more trusting with each other. At the heart of it, he wanted us to be able to love each other as we should, as God intended for us to love each other.
14. Get someone to hold us accountable.
Honestly, I still haven’t really done this yet! I am so easily distracted, and I forget things rather quickly. I have this list beside my bed, and I see it every day. Nathan and I have been pretty good about doing each of these things as often as we can, but sometimes we forget. I should add this to my to-do list!
“Couples who pray together, stay together,” as the old adage goes. Nathan and I have grown in our faith because of this list. Not only are we more comfortable sharing our faith with each other, but we also are less afraid to share it with those around us. We often ask other people to join us in our daily rosary, if we know we can’t say it privately that day. We have become more focused on the Mass, especially the consecration. And yes, this list has brought us closer together as a married couple.
Obviously, I don’t feel comfortable giving marriage advice, 1) because I’ve only been married for three years, and 2) I suck at giving advice. But I would recommend that couples tried to incorporate some of these items into their own marriage. With any new exercise, it will take time to see any change or improvement in your life, but trust me, there will be one. Nathan and I haven’t grown leaps and bounds ahead of where we were before in our spiritual lives, but looking back now, I can see how the list has changed things here and there, as I mentioned earlier.
Even if you aren’t married, or in a relationship, try to do some of the things on the list! Although our priest friend wrote it with a married couple in mind, the items on the list can be beneficial to everyone.
I am praying for all of you, that you can draw closer to Christ, that you can grow in your faith, and that you can give all of your struggles over to God (which can be hard sometimes, but it is so worth it).
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